A Modern Motorist’s Guide to Proper Driving

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko)
06/25/2014 at 21:26 • Filed to: psa, how to drive, drive free or die, humor

Let's face it, in today's world, people just plain suck at driving. However, this doesn't mean that you should suck, too. In fact, I've decided to make this guide just to help you, the beginning motorist, out. So, please continue reading to find out how to become a better driver.

Lesson 1: Choosing the right car

Automatics are for the weak, so buy a manual. Now that that is out of the way, go ahead and think about what you want from a car. I'll give you a moment.

Yes, those all sound like reasonable objectives, so just find something within your budget and you'll be happy because you chose a manual.

Lesson 2: The basics of driving

Laws vary from state to state, but here are the general guidelines to follow:

-The speed limit is really just a guide line for you to follow. Just keep up with the flow of traffic, and things will go smoothly. However, if there is a cop around, the flow of traffic is what the speed limit is. Also, never drive below the speed limit as this will frustrate people behind you.

-At traffic lights, red means stop, green means go, and yellow means proceed with caution. If the light turns yellow just as you get to it, look both ways and punch the gas and get through the intersection. If the light turns yellow well before you get to it, gently come to a stop either at the line or a safe distance behind the car in front. Also, if making a left turn, don't pull into the middle of the intersection to wait for traffic clears up, it just makes you look like an impatient douche, so stay behind the line.

-If changing lanes, turning on to a street or into a driveway, use your turn signal. Then apply your brakes. If you do it the other way 'round, you will be rear-ended violently.

-When coming to a stop sign, stop wait a second, look both ways and then carry on. If there are other cars at the intersection, the person who got there first, leaves first and so on until everyone has gotten through. If cars arrive at the same time, the car on the right goes first. If you find yourself in a Mexican standoff, don't bother waving people through, it'll only cause confusion. Just man up and go because you're better than them.

-Keep your car in your lane unless you have otherwise signaled to change.

Lesson 3: Don't be a dick

-DON'T text and drive. Period. If you do text and drive, the ghost of Darwin will appear and grab the wheel forcing you into a tree and your untimely death.

-DON'T talk on the phone and drive. People have the legal right to shove a phone up a driver's ass if they get caught talking on it while driving.

-DON'T drink and drive. It is harder than it seems, so unless you are Duncan Hamilton (and you're not) don't do it.

-DON'T tailgate. Unless you are at a sporting event, cook outs on the road are not acceptable.

-DON'T eat and drive, because this is how you get ants. Do you want ants?

-DON'T cut people off. That is a very dick move. If you get cut off, hunt that bastard down like a dog. He killed your father and must now die by the sword.

Lesson 4: Anger management

See below diagram

Lesson 5: Fun

Because you have purchased a car equipped with the proper transmission, you can bomb down back-roads with this song blasting from your stereo:

Suggested speeds do not equal the speed limit and following them makes you a pansy.

If you are driving with your ladyfriend, go to a parking lot and perform a handbrake turn. This will cause her to become very horny and you will get laid. (Ladies, this effect is amplified on guys, so brace yourself for a mess and a throbbing erection.)

If it is snowy out or rainy, turn off your traction control and let the tail hang out a bit in the turns. This will cause extreme happiness.

Be careful about having fun around cops, because they suck and hate fun. If busted for having fun, they will beat you and tazer you in the butthole.

Now then, our lesson is over and you are a better driver. Have fun and safe motoring adventures!

DISCUSSION (17)

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:32

Kinja'd!!!

PatBateman > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:32

Q: Can I substitute a DCT for a manual?

Jayhawk Jake > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:33

Ah fenslerfilm...'hey kid, I'm a computer. Stahp all the dowwwwnloadin'

CPT Speedbump > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:33

If it is snowy out or rainy, turn off your traction control and let the tail hang out a bit in the turns. This will cause extreme happiness. <— Don't you mean, turn your cars traction control off no matter the conditions? Or, even better, buy a car without it, or tear it out of your car completely.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman
06/25/2014 at 21:35

are you responsible for the Body Massage picture appearing on Oppo?

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:35

That was a great write up blanco niño. Too bad your ass got saaaaaaaaaacked

GhostZ > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:36

jack > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:36

very informative .... stuff i mostly new but always god for a refresh

gmctavish needs more space > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:39

"Also, if making a left turn, don't pull into the middle of the intersection to wait for traffic clears up, it just makes you look like an impatient douche, so stay behind the line."

I guess things are different where you are? In BC at least you're supposed to advance into the intersection to wait to turn left, so you can go on the yellow if there's no gap during the green.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:40

Question: If one is going to buy an Alfa 4C, otherwise called The Sexiest Car Yet To Be Built By The Italians, do you get points off for the dual clutch transmission, or do you scream "Joseph and Mary, mother of our Lord!" at the top of your lungs, and then do 30 Hail, Marys under the direction of the local priest?

I mean, JUST LOOK AT IT! WITH ALL IT'S NON-DRIVER LEG OPERATED CLUTCH-NESS!

Kinja'd!!!

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs
06/25/2014 at 21:42

Those headlights, gaaaaaaaahhhhhh

/Buys an old Alfa or a Cayman instead

Blondude > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:43

I hope so.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 21:46

Hail, Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 22:00

Nope. the leader image is the first one I see inside the post. Did you you click on the "recommend" star by accident?

Makoyouidiot > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 22:06

Man this is awesome

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman
06/25/2014 at 22:06

Nope, didn't recommend my own post. It was funny that the body massage guy was a huge picture on oppo, but not my lead at any time.

George Costanza > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
06/25/2014 at 22:40

where's the listen to 90s alt rock or classic rock instead of dubstep tip.